realisation

Holy shit. I think I'm over it.

Yesterday, I went out with him. His relationship with me is so sensitive, I had to think twice. It felt wrong, my subconscious wanted to be with him so badly. i have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm just rambling. Some inner voice told me to go. I did. We went to buy tickets to the movie, he didn't offer to pay. Minus points like crazy. Lunch, Just Acia. He payed - only right. I couldn't look him in the eye, some strange force just wouldn't let me do it. probably it was his piercing gaze.

Most of the things happened during the movie. I felt a sense to attraction towards him. I kept doing things to hint that he should make a move. As expected, he didn't catch it. But we were so close, I swear I almost leaned. I have no idea, my control over myself was fantastic. Soon it was over, and I came to a conclusion that I can never be with him. Ever. My superficial side reigns over all.

He just isn't physically attractive enough for me. I honestly think I deserve better. However, I am pretty sure he is attracted to me. Its matters of the heart like this that baffles me. When I'm physically with him, I'm completely turned off. When I'm not, I'm love drunk. You have got to be fucking kidding me.

I'm seeing him in an hour's time. A little flirting won't hurt right?

think about it hard enough

There are certain emotions that will stay in your heart forever. I just finished reading all my old blogposts. How I hated him. Look what I'm doing now. I'm practically in love with the guy. A part of me knows that it's not real, that part of me knows that its just a longing for love and attention from a testosterone being.

I remember back in december when I was crushing on him so badly, I wrote a 5 page confession letter. Planned to give it to him on his birthday but chickened out. Thank god he confessed to me on the same day. Recently, that thrill of a crush came back. It was the same guy. I wrote another letter for him, this time, only 3 pages long.

However, now, it seems rather one-sided. Everyone tells me that "hey, I bet he still likes you". All trying to give me some hope. But I don't expect anything big, after all, I did break his heart. A week ago, I heard something from a friend, that made me tear. After I ended our relationship, he cried. HE FUCKING CRIED. I swear I'm going to hell.

I constantly fantasise about us getting back together. Tho I doubt it will come true.

MY TUMBLR :D

hey crys dear ily

muacks :)

like i said, my existence doesn't matter.