realisation

Holy shit. I think I'm over it.

Yesterday, I went out with him. His relationship with me is so sensitive, I had to think twice. It felt wrong, my subconscious wanted to be with him so badly. i have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm just rambling. Some inner voice told me to go. I did. We went to buy tickets to the movie, he didn't offer to pay. Minus points like crazy. Lunch, Just Acia. He payed - only right. I couldn't look him in the eye, some strange force just wouldn't let me do it. probably it was his piercing gaze.

Most of the things happened during the movie. I felt a sense to attraction towards him. I kept doing things to hint that he should make a move. As expected, he didn't catch it. But we were so close, I swear I almost leaned. I have no idea, my control over myself was fantastic. Soon it was over, and I came to a conclusion that I can never be with him. Ever. My superficial side reigns over all.

He just isn't physically attractive enough for me. I honestly think I deserve better. However, I am pretty sure he is attracted to me. Its matters of the heart like this that baffles me. When I'm physically with him, I'm completely turned off. When I'm not, I'm love drunk. You have got to be fucking kidding me.

I'm seeing him in an hour's time. A little flirting won't hurt right?

think about it hard enough

There are certain emotions that will stay in your heart forever. I just finished reading all my old blogposts. How I hated him. Look what I'm doing now. I'm practically in love with the guy. A part of me knows that it's not real, that part of me knows that its just a longing for love and attention from a testosterone being.

I remember back in december when I was crushing on him so badly, I wrote a 5 page confession letter. Planned to give it to him on his birthday but chickened out. Thank god he confessed to me on the same day. Recently, that thrill of a crush came back. It was the same guy. I wrote another letter for him, this time, only 3 pages long.

However, now, it seems rather one-sided. Everyone tells me that "hey, I bet he still likes you". All trying to give me some hope. But I don't expect anything big, after all, I did break his heart. A week ago, I heard something from a friend, that made me tear. After I ended our relationship, he cried. HE FUCKING CRIED. I swear I'm going to hell.

I constantly fantasise about us getting back together. Tho I doubt it will come true.

MY TUMBLR :D

hey crys dear ily

muacks :)

like i said, my existence doesn't matter.

What's becoming of this world we live in? Compassion doesn't exist anymore. Lets learn to love.

hot + cold = warm

Disappointments once again, gotta get used to it. Being surrounded with the happiest things and the best people.
Happy birthday Shannon. You're fifteen today. Time to wake up.

words that cannot be spoken

HAHA I was so high in the morning idky. Well maybe cos things are really really getting better and better. I'm so bloody happy I cant even express it. But I have to thank myself for being so thick skinned one final time, which actually gave our relationship a conclusion and bring back the friendship. Well but will still take abit of time to adjust back to that common space in your heart.

I think I'm gonna flunk Emath like some shit. Seriously. Almost confirm gonna fail lor. I love talking to bra. I love talking to you too. Damn. Got to get used to the way you probably treat normal friends.

Remember. You are what you hate.

Things will always change for the better. Just believe.

Well, I agree to the above statement to a certain extent. Things are really starting to look up. And I'm glad. Really glad. Even tho I may be reduced to just a normal friend, honestly I'm being greedy and not very satisfied, I'm still thankful that I haven't lost a friend :)

Haseena called me and ah lian that stupid ah beng ):

死人头

已经是第二次了。

我再次看错了他。

我到底在干什么啦！

妈的。如果你不想在跟我好的话，拜托就说一声好吗！

母亲节快乐 mothers' day happy!

Today is... a good day.

woke up at like 8. Prepared and went to get flowers for mummy ;) walked back in the bloody hot sun -.- sweat like shit lah. Came home and gave her her beautiful bouquet. Happy. Tuition in the afternoon as usual went earlier for consultation on nutrients. Helped alot. Turtle came late again. Every week without fail one. REALLY TURTLE LEH HAIYO.

I guess things are looking up for me and the person. Likey lunching together on thursday. Hmm... See how.

because water is (Y)

Okay i give up. No more emo kid. Enough is enough!
haha if you want to harp on the situation and act emo when you talk to me, so be it. I dont give a fuck anymore. Oh really? You say you dont have a problem with me? Really? Wow. STOP FUCKING LYING.

The other day i was texting ah wan and we decided to go on a diet together :) But since we love food so much, gonna start small. Only water for beverages. WATER WATER WATER. No green tea, no ice lemon tea, no coke, NO NOTHING. Just water. Water is good. It has like zero sugar, and improves your complexion. Water is awesome. Bye bye bb tea ):

First attempt at Green Tea Souffle Swiss Roll last night. FAIL.

shit I'm fucking depressed. My Souffle didn't set right. Neither did my red bean paste. sigh. And i thought I was all that. Well, I'm gonna make another one when i come back. probably Green Tea chiffon cake. Much easier.

Furthermore, I dreamt of the bastard. Fml.

fag

Some guys... are real bastards.

After you are to the point where you forget everything that happened to a large extent, he reappears. Reminds you of what happened, affect you a little more, gives you some hope of friendship, then leaves. I mean like, WHO DOES THAT -.-

I love bra forever

Happy Labour Day everyone.

I'm happy and I love bra. Shes my goddess forever! HAHAHAHA. My birthday is year is shit. Really shit. I'm so glad i put my pride down. With that, i can concentrate on making friends and being nice to people. Hating people is (N). So I'm trying my best to forgive each and everyone who has offended me. So yeap. I just want to be your friend k. But if you dont want t be mine, THEN GO AWAY. Thank you :)

Short post today update properly tomorrow :)

P.s. just came home from watching Ip man. It was good. Made foreigners look like some real bastards tho lol.

Always second place

I cant believe it. Really? Am I really that much of a pushover? Such that everyone, including my friends, the ones whom I thought I really has a chance to bond with doesn't treasure me, puts me at second place all the time. Seriously, what the fuck. Is there something wrong with me such that no one can stand it?

I was pissed. Really very pissed. So pissed that I really felt like crying. Why is everyone treating me this way. I really don't get it. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME. I get this feeling that one day when I'm sad, no one will come to me. I will be left alone. Why must things be this way. WHY. If you really don't like me, just fucking say so, so I can go look for other friends and leave you alone.

Everyone affects my mood. Whether in a prominent way or not. Better still, they may not even notice how much they've hurt me. But whats worse is when they know, and not do anything about it. I don't know how to act around you anymore. Should i let it go and continue to 看你脸色做人. I really don't know.

But maybe I should put all relationship aside first. Its really affecting my mood like siao. I cant concentrate or focus. Cant be bothered anymore lah. I'm tired. Real tired. I'm just gonna dao the whole situation and pretend everything is okay as far as I can. Really.

You can depend on NO ONE to give you happiness. Really gotta do it yourself.

go to hell

Instrustions for lying fucktards.
1. take your head full of shit and rubbish and dunk it into the toilet bowl full of shit.
2. with your bare hands, stuff shit into your mouth and swallow.
3. saw your fucking balls off with a penknife so that the process will be slow and painful
4. stick a fire cracker into your asshole and let it explode.
5. bang your head against the wall repeatedly until you lose consciousness.

You say you want me to be happy and you're willing to do anything to make me happy. BULLSHIT. Your word no longer carries anymore weight. I feel like punching your face so badly but I'm afraid it will spoil my mani and dirty my hands -.-

key to happiness

Some days, when certain people give me good responses, I tend to melt immediately. But i realised how important it is to think before acting or saying anything. Especially to people with more sensitive relationship issues. Bottom line, don't depend on guys to give you happiness. Fight for it on your own.

make a friend, not a foe

I cant believe this entire post is dedicated to ONE person.

Certain things happened a few days ago. After more than a month of cold war, he finally spoke to me. When I saw him initiating the convo on msn, I felt a literal pain in my freaking heart wth. Honestly it was shocking for me. After the expectedly short conversation with him, I felt pissed, very pissed. Why did he even bother starting a conversation with me if all he was gonna say wasn't constructive at all?

To be absolutely honest I expected something more than dotdotdot. I really wanted to trash things out. The only reason why I took so long to get over it, even at this point I haven't fully gotten over it, is because he hasn't put it behind him. SO GET OVER IT SHEESH. Sigh. I don't know what my problem is and I want him to tell me.

From the moment I ended things I was ready to be his bestfriend. So its either that he doesn't see it, or its not enough for him. We texted today. Even after we agreed to put everything behind and be friends, bestfriends. I can't help but feel that he hates me. The tone has changed. I can no longer feel the warmth that used to be there. I don't know whats going on.

Being with him, like how it was before we got together is what I want. So much. It was a good time. Simple and happy. Wonder if those days can return. Shucks. But any how everything happens for a reason, and I believe everything will work out fine ;) I will not be pissed anymore. Being pissed is bad. Holding a grudge is bad. I will learn to love everyone for who they are and hope they feel the same way.

HAPPINESS WILL PREVAIL SO SMILE! :D
SHOPPING DAYS MAKE ME HIGH AND HAPPY WOOHOO :)

person A: eh you know what! blahblahblah
person B: huh. oh okay *walks away*