realisation

Holy shit. I think I'm over it.

Yesterday, I went out with him. His relationship with me is so sensitive, I had to think twice. It felt wrong, my subconscious wanted to be with him so badly. i have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm just rambling. Some inner voice told me to go. I did. We went to buy tickets to the movie, he didn't offer to pay. Minus points like crazy. Lunch, Just Acia. He payed - only right. I couldn't look him in the eye, some strange force just wouldn't let me do it. probably it was his piercing gaze.

Most of the things happened during the movie. I felt a sense to attraction towards him. I kept doing things to hint that he should make a move. As expected, he didn't catch it. But we were so close, I swear I almost leaned. I have no idea, my control over myself was fantastic. Soon it was over, and I came to a conclusion that I can never be with him. Ever. My superficial side reigns over all.

He just isn't physically attractive enough for me. I honestly think I deserve better. However, I am pretty sure he is attracted to me. Its matters of the heart like this that baffles me. When I'm physically with him, I'm completely turned off. When I'm not, I'm love drunk. You have got to be fucking kidding me.

I'm seeing him in an hour's time. A little flirting won't hurt right?

think about it hard enough

There are certain emotions that will stay in your heart forever. I just finished reading all my old blogposts. How I hated him. Look what I'm doing now. I'm practically in love with the guy. A part of me knows that it's not real, that part of me knows that its just a longing for love and attention from a testosterone being.

I remember back in december when I was crushing on him so badly, I wrote a 5 page confession letter. Planned to give it to him on his birthday but chickened out. Thank god he confessed to me on the same day. Recently, that thrill of a crush came back. It was the same guy. I wrote another letter for him, this time, only 3 pages long.

However, now, it seems rather one-sided. Everyone tells me that "hey, I bet he still likes you". All trying to give me some hope. But I don't expect anything big, after all, I did break his heart. A week ago, I heard something from a friend, that made me tear. After I ended our relationship, he cried. HE FUCKING CRIED. I swear I'm going to hell.

I constantly fantasise about us getting back together. Tho I doubt it will come true.

MY TUMBLR :D

hey crys dear ily

muacks :)

like i said, my existence doesn't matter.

What's becoming of this world we live in? Compassion doesn't exist anymore. Lets learn to love.

hot + cold = warm

Disappointments once again, gotta get used to it. Being surrounded with the happiest things and the best people.
Happy birthday Shannon. You're fifteen today. Time to wake up.

words that cannot be spoken

HAHA I was so high in the morning idky. Well maybe cos things are really really getting better and better. I'm so bloody happy I cant even express it. But I have to thank myself for being so thick skinned one final time, which actually gave our relationship a conclusion and bring back the friendship. Well but will still take abit of time to adjust back to that common space in your heart.

I think I'm gonna flunk Emath like some shit. Seriously. Almost confirm gonna fail lor. I love talking to bra. I love talking to you too. Damn. Got to get used to the way you probably treat normal friends.

Remember. You are what you hate.

Things will always change for the better. Just believe.

Well, I agree to the above statement to a certain extent. Things are really starting to look up. And I'm glad. Really glad. Even tho I may be reduced to just a normal friend, honestly I'm being greedy and not very satisfied, I'm still thankful that I haven't lost a friend :)

Haseena called me and ah lian that stupid ah beng ):

死人头

已经是第二次了。

我再次看错了他。

我到底在干什么啦！

妈的。如果你不想在跟我好的话，拜托就说一声好吗！

母亲节快乐 mothers' day happy!

Today is... a good day.

woke up at like 8. Prepared and went to get flowers for mummy ;) walked back in the bloody hot sun -.- sweat like shit lah. Came home and gave her her beautiful bouquet. Happy. Tuition in the afternoon as usual went earlier for consultation on nutrients. Helped alot. Turtle came late again. Every week without fail one. REALLY TURTLE LEH HAIYO.

I guess things are looking up for me and the person. Likey lunching together on thursday. Hmm... See how.

because water is (Y)

Okay i give up. No more emo kid. Enough is enough!
haha if you want to harp on the situation and act emo when you talk to me, so be it. I dont give a fuck anymore. Oh really? You say you dont have a problem with me? Really? Wow. STOP FUCKING LYING.

The other day i was texting ah wan and we decided to go on a diet together :) But since we love food so much, gonna start small. Only water for beverages. WATER WATER WATER. No green tea, no ice lemon tea, no coke, NO NOTHING. Just water. Water is good. It has like zero sugar, and improves your complexion. Water is awesome. Bye bye bb tea ):

First attempt at Green Tea Souffle Swiss Roll last night. FAIL.

shit I'm fucking depressed. My Souffle didn't set right. Neither did my red bean paste. sigh. And i thought I was all that. Well, I'm gonna make another one when i come back. probably Green Tea chiffon cake. Much easier.

Furthermore, I dreamt of the bastard. Fml.

fag

Some guys... are real bastards.

After you are to the point where you forget everything that happened to a large extent, he reappears. Reminds you of what happened, affect you a little more, gives you some hope of friendship, then leaves. I mean like, WHO DOES THAT -.-

I love bra forever

Happy Labour Day everyone.

I'm happy and I love bra. Shes my goddess forever! HAHAHAHA. My birthday is year is shit. Really shit. I'm so glad i put my pride down. With that, i can concentrate on making friends and being nice to people. Hating people is (N). So I'm trying my best to forgive each and everyone who has offended me. So yeap. I just want to be your friend k. But if you dont want t be mine, THEN GO AWAY. Thank you :)

Short post today update properly tomorrow :)

P.s. just came home from watching Ip man. It was good. Made foreigners look like some real bastards tho lol.

Always second place

I cant believe it. Really? Am I really that much of a pushover? Such that everyone, including my friends, the ones whom I thought I really has a chance to bond with doesn't treasure me, puts me at second place all the time. Seriously, what the fuck. Is there something wrong with me such that no one can stand it?

I was pissed. Really very pissed. So pissed that I really felt like crying. Why is everyone treating me this way. I really don't get it. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME. I get this feeling that one day when I'm sad, no one will come to me. I will be left alone. Why must things be this way. WHY. If you really don't like me, just fucking say so, so I can go look for other friends and leave you alone.

Everyone affects my mood. Whether in a prominent way or not. Better still, they may not even notice how much they've hurt me. But whats worse is when they know, and not do anything about it. I don't know how to act around you anymore. Should i let it go and continue to 看你脸色做人. I really don't know.

But maybe I should put all relationship aside first. Its really affecting my mood like siao. I cant concentrate or focus. Cant be bothered anymore lah. I'm tired. Real tired. I'm just gonna dao the whole situation and pretend everything is okay as far as I can. Really.

You can depend on NO ONE to give you happiness. Really gotta do it yourself.

go to hell

Instrustions for lying fucktards.
1. take your head full of shit and rubbish and dunk it into the toilet bowl full of shit.
2. with your bare hands, stuff shit into your mouth and swallow.
3. saw your fucking balls off with a penknife so that the process will be slow and painful
4. stick a fire cracker into your asshole and let it explode.
5. bang your head against the wall repeatedly until you lose consciousness.

You say you want me to be happy and you're willing to do anything to make me happy. BULLSHIT. Your word no longer carries anymore weight. I feel like punching your face so badly but I'm afraid it will spoil my mani and dirty my hands -.-

key to happiness

Some days, when certain people give me good responses, I tend to melt immediately. But i realised how important it is to think before acting or saying anything. Especially to people with more sensitive relationship issues. Bottom line, don't depend on guys to give you happiness. Fight for it on your own.

make a friend, not a foe

I cant believe this entire post is dedicated to ONE person.

Certain things happened a few days ago. After more than a month of cold war, he finally spoke to me. When I saw him initiating the convo on msn, I felt a literal pain in my freaking heart wth. Honestly it was shocking for me. After the expectedly short conversation with him, I felt pissed, very pissed. Why did he even bother starting a conversation with me if all he was gonna say wasn't constructive at all?

To be absolutely honest I expected something more than dotdotdot. I really wanted to trash things out. The only reason why I took so long to get over it, even at this point I haven't fully gotten over it, is because he hasn't put it behind him. SO GET OVER IT SHEESH. Sigh. I don't know what my problem is and I want him to tell me.

From the moment I ended things I was ready to be his bestfriend. So its either that he doesn't see it, or its not enough for him. We texted today. Even after we agreed to put everything behind and be friends, bestfriends. I can't help but feel that he hates me. The tone has changed. I can no longer feel the warmth that used to be there. I don't know whats going on.

Being with him, like how it was before we got together is what I want. So much. It was a good time. Simple and happy. Wonder if those days can return. Shucks. But any how everything happens for a reason, and I believe everything will work out fine ;) I will not be pissed anymore. Being pissed is bad. Holding a grudge is bad. I will learn to love everyone for who they are and hope they feel the same way.

HAPPINESS WILL PREVAIL SO SMILE! :D
SHOPPING DAYS MAKE ME HIGH AND HAPPY WOOHOO :)

person A: eh you know what! blahblahblah
person B: huh. oh okay *walks away*

Importance

I don't know what the shit is wrong with me these few days.. Bra says I'm emo. I don't know leh. I feel like my incompetence is a bane to myself and to my very existence. I don't feel especially important to anyone. Really. ANYONE. Everyone could do better, or no difference would be made if I was gone. Maybe it's nice for them to have an extra person to talk to, but really not much difference is made.

Hahaha. It's really amazing how you could seem so fucking important in someone's life, then suddenly its like you were never part of them. Be it my past relationship, friendships, even family, my existence don't matter. I break up, nope, he doesn't care. Friendships, they have other friends, more important friends. Certain small gestures they make, really have a great impact on me, but i guess they don't really see it. It affects me gradually i guess.

As for family, hmm I'm not a prominent figure, so yeah doesn't make a diff. Someone i used to be very very close, to, drifted apart for a period of time, then in sec 1/2, we started to be close again. Then suddenly in sec 3, wonder what happen sia. Guess I was never really important in the first place. Well, definately not as important as the rest of the friends.

Forgot what it feels like to be important to a person. Maybe its my problem. Yes, I should change, change for the better. Now, tell me what you want, to get all of you back in my life, because you are important to me, if not yours.

I'm gonna be happy from now on, so yup :)

I feel so unwanted hmm.... Actually i don't really feel unwanted lah. Its like the world won't really be affected if I'm not there. Everyone else too. Being emo? Nahhhh... It's called being logical.

bonds that cant be broken

Given my own experience, change is really a big thing. Change, has the ability to cause a perfectly good friendship to come crashing down, the strong bonds of a couple to break loose, a person to make the wrong choice. I've been through all. And not one of them feels good.

Some of yall may know, something happened between me and a very close friend of mine back in 2009. Our years of friendship went downhill and smashed into ten thousand pieces in a single day. Devastation. I literally died inside. Her reasons: I changed. Didnt think much of it then.. But thinking about it now, yes. Maybe I did change.

Change cannot be avoided. Given the different surroundings and people, its just a matter of time before you are not the same as before. It may be good or bad, the consequences caused are likewise, good or bad. I don't believe in everlasting happiness and neither should you. Couple at the age of fifteen, and below.. thinking that they well last forever, those people are the ones I deem delusional. Or maybe they're just too deep into their premature feelings to notice the prominent fact that no. They are not going to be together forever.

People change. Thats life. Live with it. A couple may be together, happy. The next day, the guy sees someone new and leaves the poor girlfriend behind. Yes. Be appalled. Fucking bastards like that do exist. It leaves the pitiful girl behind, wondering - why the hell did he change. But everyone will have to get used to it, there is always someone better than yourself. However this situation cannot be applied to ANY couple. The guy breaks up with the girl, the girl cries her eyes to death. The girl ends the relationship, BIG DEAL.

Guys can turn ugly especially when he knows he can no longer get a girl. Fuck that. Friends, can turn especially nasty when jealousy comes by. Old things will be replaced by the new, no matter what relation. But lets just get used to it, they're living in the past.

Crystal: why haven't you posted?

Me: lazy.. lol

Crystal: ): I want to see what other degrading names you can come up with for guys HAHAHA

best.

A: so... do you like SS?
B: NO.
A: why?
B: ITS A PROPAGANDAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

WTH IF YOUR'RE FAKE CAN YOU SAY SO ALREADY IM TIRED OF PLAYING THIS GAME

lets leave this sad place and fly away together

Thanks Bryan for the ridiculous looking Germany bunny. THATS CHOCOLATE. LOLOLOL. yeah made me lol. Bet Germany was fun huh.. Yeap i need a holiday to get away from all this nonsense.

Before I enter my main topic for today, I wanna talk about relationships- friendships, mainly. How some people, walk in to your life, and how some leave. I made an observation of myself. When someone had hurt me once, I tend to loose care for them as time passes. The thing is that I thought I was too forgiving. Well i guess some part of me still bears a grudge even tho I don't notice.

I become more and more cold towards the person and stop caring for what i used to care for. Even tho I may treat the person the same way, its definitely not the same anymore. Subconsciously I show certain signs and gestures of my displeasure and unhappiness with the person. Also to show that "Hey. I remember what you did to me okay. I'm no pushover"

I think this is one of the things that is quite important in a person. Just don't over do it. Friendships shouldn't be taken lightly, I love my friends, those who actually care. Friends who are there for me are win. Friends take you in when no one else would. Crystal is my best friend, for a reason.

I appreciate those to take time off to listen to me, give me a chance to speak, and care from the bottom of their heart. I was always a not-so-sociable person. So I cherish all my friends. Just be sure not to hurt me.

just an illusion

Okay I feel retarded. Now I feel like the relationship never happened. Maybe it didn't. In my book of definitions, I suddenly feel like my 'relationship' wasn't a relationship. Well, yeah. Firstly i didn't think it lasted long enough. Secondly, I don't think we had spent enough time together just yet.

I think I was a bit delusional.. Like seriously.. haha. and I stupidly ended the thing as well. Good job Shannon, you really make the best decisions ever -.- But still, if it never happened, what is there to regret right? A relationship isn't a relationship without the relationship elements. I dont like people who define relationships so easily.

Having an actual relationship is not an internet romance. People define the term way too lightly. Resulting in people having like ten thousand exes. Whereas their actual number of relationships may simply be 1 or 2. However, in my case it felt like it existed. And yet, it didn't... Its all really confusing for me. Like wth am I doing? -.-

Some people might say we were together, some may define it otherwise. I cant be bothered to find out anyway. Whats over is over. I shouldn't harp over it any longer simply cos he obviously doesn't bother so yep. I shall get over it too woohoo. Friends around me are also experiencing such difficulties. What I can say is that just bear with it and take it in your stride. Put your own interests at top priority.

I know it sounds selfish and horrible, but seriously, its the only way you can be happy. If he cant give you happiness, forget him already. He obviously doesn't deserve you. Girls deserve to be happy. If he treats it like nothing happened, so be it. Move on. If he hurts you, just bear in mind that jerks like that wont have a good end. One day, their balls will shrivel up and die. Good riddance.

Tired of trying, so let me know if you want me in your life. But at the rate you're going, I would be part of someone else's life by the time you try.

I wish I would follow my own advice for once.

another day, another thought

Just think about it, why do people hate studies so much. I mean like seriously, I really cant stand people who go on and on every single day about how they are not interested in studies.. they don't like studies, studies and unimportant... It really bothers me a shit load.

Why can't they think, so what if they don't like studies? THEY HAVE TO DO IT ANYWAY. So might as well do well in it right? Ranting about it doesn't make it any better. In fact, it lowers your morale to study, because all thats going on in your brain is: STUDY FOR WHAT? If people keep having this mentality, I'm sure they will grow to regret it.

Having the bo chup attitude towards studies is also not the way. If you don't understand during lessons, GO AND BLOODY ASK. SHEESH. I mean like, by giving up like that, you're just causing yourself future problems. When exams are nearing, and you realise you don't understand shit, what are you gonna do? Make the teacher teach everything all over again? In fact, some people choose to give up altogether. Wow. Good job people.

Teenagers fail to see the importance of studies. Just wait till you're old and jobless, see what you're gonna do. Live off your parents forever? Just because your parents are rich now, you can afford to slack off like that, ohh because "my daddy will send me overseas to study when I'm older.." WAKE UP. Those overseas schools are not schools for retards, you have to do well in Singapore too. Plus, your daddy's money isn't gonna buy you a future.

Your family is rich, you don't have a care in the world, go figure. You may argue that you don't need to have a degree to have a good job or be a boss. I agree. BUT. How many people actually make it big? To have a stable income and future, studies is crucial. More and more people are having degrees and university certs. Competition is stiff. To ensure a happy ending for yourself, you have to be pro active, be far sighted and plan for the future.

If you study hard now, get a good job in future, your happiness is set. Procrastinating is bad. BAD. VERY BAD.

Too bad, I don't practise what I preach. Gotta start learning how.

I realised I'm a bloody selfish person.

better than yesterday

A day like none other.
Almost fell asleep during Namita's lesson yet again. Does anyone have a good remedy for sleeping in class? This cant go on. I NEED TO REMEMBER YOU, HITLER! Geez. Nothing much in school. Stayed back after school for E math extra lesson, went through the worksheet for cumulative graphs. E math and chemistry tests tomorrow. Ionic equations = die.

Walked with snoopy to the bus stop, stupid maruli took a cab and abandoned me ): Met Joey on 132. She decided to accompany me till Crystal arrives :) went to eat yummy ice cream outside Shaw Centre. Slacked there for quite sometime talking about random stuff. She tried to teach me E math. FAIL. Walked to ion after that. Joey bought this potato thing from a jap store. Crystal arrived soon after. Joined hands and forced Joey to let us have some yummy potato. Succeeded.

Joey left. Walked around with Crystal :) bought takoyaki and went to sit. Chatted about ten thousand things. Discussed amusing stuff. HAHAHA. Went to walk around after that. Walked to Wheelock place. Went up and down the spiral escalator like little kids (Y) Walked to Tangs. Looked at random food. Walked to Far East, strolled around and talked about stuff and annoying people. Walked to bus stop. Took 171 to coro.

Reached coro at 6. Bought bubble tea with Crys, honey green tea :) She waited for my bus with me and smsed iris. Bus came one minute after that. Got on bus and home sweet home. Felt sick like dying the whole way. Called mummy to fetch me from 7/11 outside.

"GUYS ARE STUPID AND ANNOYING", "I want a girlfriend...", "I want a boyfriend leh really."

3 extremely different phrases uttered by the same person within a time span of 48 hours. Yeah, I want a boyfriend too. OMG WHAT AM I SAYING. Strike that please and thank you. Some love would be nice tho ;)

a new beginning

A new blog, a fresh start.

A lot of shit has been going on recently I could just die. As most of you know my story. I ended a relationship sometime ago and was never able to get over it. HAHA you know I cant stand myself. Like seriously why am I so annoying -.- Fickle like shit lah honestly. And now I land myself in this shit and make myself seem so desperate. Good job shannon pow. Good job.

Some stuff that happened a few days ago got me thinking.. I've been a spare tyre for too long. I've been too forgiving, always the one giving way. Hence, people trample all over me and I dont even mind. When they need me, Im there. When I need them, all siam. Used to it. I was really pissed. Am i really of that low value?

The best thing is that some people do it subconsciously. Im always being put at second place. I bet he used to put me at 2nd place too. Thats why he didnt do anything. Im of low importance, since Im so easy, why bother right? "Aiyah she'll come back one lah! I can push her away again and she'll still come back" I bet this is what he's thinking. But whatever. I cant be bothered anymore. He doesn't deserve me lah.

ITS TIME TO WAKE UP SHANNON.

Really appreciate the love from some of my closest family and friends, namely Brandon and Crystal. Don't know what I'd do without you. And Wong RuiJun. HAHAHA you're forever my best gossip girl.

I really have to focus. Mid years are approaching at lightning speed. And I still have not started panicking.

Well, its time to dump relationships aside for now and focus. NO. scrap that. I'm never taking any initiative ever again. They think I'm so easy? They're wrong. I'm going back to primary school mentality where guys are enemies. Because they will end up hurting you in one way or another.